Me

I don't really know what to say in this entry but I need to write something down. I read today that Viagra is actually helpful for women as well. Studies are showing that women with depression anxiety can gain benefits from taking Viagra. One of those benefits being increased success of an orgasm, whatever that means. With that, I say the men and women go half on a bag of those blue pills. 

We all battle depression. A large part of that is because we think that there is something wrong with us. Some of us feel we're not achieving anything substantial. Some of us feel like there's a void in our lives that can't be filled. To get more specific, it can come from being hurt or feeling like you've hurt someone. Someone that you hold dearly. That's just the "why." There other part is "how." How did things things get like this or how did they get like that? Even when the worst may be over, there are still aftershocks. There's that guilt but what does that guilt mean?

It could mean that you can't let things go. It's the past. It is impossible to move backwards through time so we might as well move forward. But does that guilt show some kind of character? Does it show a sincereness to yourself that you are truly sorry? Does it serve as a remainder to not do that wrong again? I make mistakes that keep me company. I expect the worst out of a situation and when it doesn't come, I still expect it to loom. It's like waiting for the guillotine to drop. 

I also have a hard time keeping my problems to myself, as you can see. I poll advice from just about everyone. Does that make me weak? I get the idea that realizing your mistakes and correcting them within your own realm should be enough. I think I try to force sympathy out of people and they'll throw me a bone. It's like I'm no good at figuring myself out or I can't relieve myself. 

My friends are great. They really are. But when I look at myself, I see someone I'd really get sick of. I can't help but think maybe they're getting sick of me. I guess chalk it all up to fucked up self-image. The only thing I need to look in the eye is my own reflection. The mirror looks dirty right about now. Maybe because that's just the surface. Looking into my heart, I think I'm doing the best that I can. If anyone thinks otherwise, I'm sorry.