You call that a Gangster?

I always like taking a look at the sort of problems that are sweeping the nation. One issue at hand is the popularization of gang culture in the mainstream. It's no longer confusing the heck out of grandma and grandpa. It has even the police fooled now. The San Diego Tribune reports that clues as to who is a real gang member are less reliable. Cops are hard at work keeping up with all the customs. 

As few of you may know, I was the leader of one of the most notorious gangs in North Miami Beach. Rizzolo and I ran the streets of NMB for seven solid years. We grew up on the block and no one could take a thing from us. College came knocking so I left Rizzolo as sole leader but I stop by every now and again to make sure everything is all good. Basically, as a former gang member I'd like to offer a quick tutorial on how to spot an actual gang banger. 

STRANGE VERNACULAR:

Gang members don't speak standard english to each other. They use slang terms to discuss their misdeeds so no one is the wiser. If you happen upon some kids talking about "trees" or "grass", no need to cross the street. These are not gang members. Gang members always refer to drugs as sexual organs. Be more wary of the ones who claim "they could suck on a fat dick right about now." Also, gang members usually use the titles of Joseph Gordon-Levitt movies. They'll say, "I've got 10 Things I Hate About You right here." The more popular phrase is "Angels in the Outfield blew that man apart."

UNIQUE FASHION SENSE

The gangster life style has long forgotten about sagging pants, white tees, and baseball caps for teams in which you can't name a single player of. Gangs are bringing back an 80's revolution. It's all bright pink bath robes, slightly teased hair and those tank tops that guys wear that are cut off just above the belly that are making a comeback. Monocles are the sign of the gang leader. If you see someone with two monocles (i.e. bifocals) then he has most likely killed a rival gang leader for it. It's not about how much ice is around your neck. It's about how much glitter is in your eyes. 

HAND GESTURES

This is the final thing to look for. Gangs look to throw up their sign so everyone knows what set they claim. Anyone from my breeding ground is familiar with the 3-0-5 symbol. These gestures became too popular and gangs had to abandon them. It is awfully hard to get it to mean courage after a successful liquor store robbery when kids are doing the same thing after a 9 hour raid on WoW. These days it is the movement of the tongue that is a great communicator. A slow lapping motion is used by the VP Boyz now. Going from side to side in a hurried motion is employed by the Latin Kings. The Bloods and Crips do a mash up of tongue and hand. They make out with their hands like they would a girl after a drive-by. 

I hoped I've cleared a few things up. Don't fear the kid asking for "crip" by the seven eleven wearing the LA Dodgers cap. Worry more about the man in star framed sunglasses asking for vagina wall acne while licking his arm hair. 

P.S. Your next door savior has hired the help of attorney William Falik. I hope you're shaking Officer Blizzard.